Going Deeper with Benjamin Leppier
Benjamin Leppier is the founder of Going deeper and is on a mission to equip, empower and support men and women, to let go of all things that don't serve them, become more loving husbands, wives, partners and find more quality time with the kids, to get ahead in life, increase physical and emotional health, leading to more fulfilment and freedom in life.
Going Deeper with Benjamin Leppier
Q&A with Ben: Stop the Madness - How Anger, Arguments, and Perfection Are Killing Connection
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Todays Q&A Content:
1 - My husband constantly gets angry around the kids. I hate it and, honestly, it intimidates me. What can we do?
Anger is really unpleasant to be around, it says a number of things
I don't care about you only me
It can feel threatening like you might be physically hurt
When someone is angry at you, it's hard to see anything other than what they might do to you. Unless its your children, then you might determine, this is awful, what are they going to d to themselves, then we jump into the pain pit of 'I am a terrible parent'
Well you are the kind of person listening to this so that helps
The angry people who really need to hear this will not be seeking it because they don't even know they need it,m they haven't even woken up yet
One thing for sure, is that there is always some untreated hurt underneath the anger
You get what you need first
Partner second - see them clearly before you can help them
Kids 3rd
There may be previous life events that they are still carrying from back in primary school they might be having a tough time at work and feeling like they aren't providing, if you haven't had sex in a while and haven't spoken about it, they might be feeling unattractive and distant from you physically. There are a multitude of reasons
2 - Every time I try to bring something up, it turns into an argument. How do we break that cycle?
You're saying I need you to love me, he says I need you to love me, then you say No No NO, you aren't listening again you need to listen to me!
Timing, timing, timing.
If he just walks in the door and barks at the kids - that is not the time to bark at him. I am not saying that his anger is acceptable, merely helping you find an effective time TO communicate with him
So get the kids down to bed, let him know after dinner that you would really like to talk about X & Y for 30 minutes after the kids are down. If he is really not in a good place you either scrap it that night or tell him, do whatever you like to relax until I come down then we can talk.
Know that whatever you say, he will have a counter argument and believe that what you have to say is unfair or unjust, he can't help it. You have a long way to go but this is a great start. In other words once you have told him what you want he will also want to tell you what he wants to change and that's alright.
You do get to say - Can we talk about what you want tomorrow, if you are just not in that place.
As calmly as you can suggest checking in again same time next week to see how we're doing with it - this is an accountability issue as much as it is a behavioural issue
3 - I am afraid of my wife - she wants everything perfect all of the time and if I am not on point 100% of the time, then its hell